Beginners Welcome Read online

  Dedication

  For Dad, who showed me how important daddies are, and who has always been the #1 fan of my writing.

  Thank you for believing in me until I believed in myself, too.

  And for Mom, who taught me to love music and spent a decade supporting my dreams. For every afternoon spent waiting through a lesson, for every battle over practicing, for every musical you took me to, and for every John Denver CD you played in the car:

  Thank you.

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 45

  Chapter 46

  Chapter 47

  Chapter 48

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Praise

  Books by Cindy Baldwin

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  1.

  I woke on the first day of sixth grade to the sound of Mama crying in the bathroom.

  Before my eyes were all the way open, I was reaching over to my nightstand to grab the two-headed quarter that sat there, cool to the touch even on this warm late-August morning, the kind of morning where summer had its claws so deep into everything it felt like it might never let go. Those two faces of George Washington were twice as shiny as a regular coin from rubbing—first Daddy’s big fingers, and then my smaller ones. He’d carried that magic-show quarter around in his pocket as long as I could remember.

  It always pays to carry your own luck, Al, he’d say whenever he showed it to me, flipping it from heads on one side to heads on the other. You never know when it might come in handy.

  “Annie Lee?” Mama’s voice was tight and stretched, but at least she wasn’t sniffling anymore. Mama had cried every single morning for more than two and a half months. I’d hardly cried at all. Sometimes it felt like Mama had sucked up all the space for grieving in our family so there wasn’t any left for me.

  A minute later Mama knocked on my bedroom door. “You awake in there?”

  “Yeah,” I said, and closed my fingers around the quarter.

  By the time I was dressed—the two-headed coin in the pocket of my denim shorts where it belonged—Mama had scrubbed all the tears off her pale face and turned the fan on loud in the bathroom, so that there was only the tiniest hint of Daddy’s aftershave in the air. She’d washed the sink out, too, so I couldn’t see the foam and stubble that appeared there every morning like clockwork.

  “You excited to start at your new school?” Mama asked while I dragged a hairbrush through my hair. Every year I was alive, my hair moved further away from yellow and closer to that not-really-a-color that happens to blond hair when it gets bored.

  I shook my head.

  “Do you have your key to get in here after school is over?”

  “It’s in my backpack already.”

  “Good. And you remember which bus number you’re on?”

  “I’m almost twelve, Mama.”

  Mama sighed. “I just hate knowing that I won’t be here when you’re home from school. I don’t like thinking about the things that could—never mind. I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

  Every day for the last six weeks I’d been treated to her worries about leaving me alone. A latchkey kid, she’d said the day she’d gone full-time at the housekeeping company. I’m sorry, Annie Lee. I never wanted you to have to fend for yourself like this. I wish there was any other choice.

  Now Mama sighed again, something she did almost as much as crying these days. Sometimes I thought maybe it was just the way she breathed now, like the world was pressing too hard on her shoulders and she could never get a deep-enough breath. “I’m gonna go figure out some breakfast.”

  She scooted past me out the bathroom door and was gone before I could blink, just like she’d never been there at all.

  When I came into the kitchen, she was crying again. Not the regular, sniffly tears that appeared every morning when she got up and found the bathroom smelling so strongly of Daddy he could’ve left it only seconds before—these were big, shocked sobs that shook her whole body. She was standing with one hand over her mouth, her skin white, staring at the kitchen table.

  It was a little table, the only size that would fit into the little kitchen of our little apartment, and it was so old and dinged up that you couldn’t even tell what color the stain had been in its old life, before Mama and I had found it during the Independence Day sale at the Goodwill. And on top of it, smelling like sugar and memories, there was a box of old-fashioned donuts from The Hole Shebang.

  My daddy had been dead for eighty-three days, and still, somehow, there was a box of the exact same donuts he’d brought home on the first day of every new school year since I started kindergarten, sitting right there on our kitchen table.

  2.

  The apartment was quiet and dark when I got off the school bus that afternoon. My phone—the cheapest plastic flip phone that Mama could find at Walmart—buzzed from my backpack with Mama’s check-in text. I imagined her paused in the middle of vacuuming, her bubble-gum-colored Mary’s Maids polo smudged with dust and sweat, pulling out her phone the second she knew I’d be back.

  you get home okay?

  yep, I typed back. I’d asked for a phone for what felt like years before Daddy died, but he and Mama had always agreed that I was too young.

  But afterward, when Mama had to call her boss at the cleaning company and say that she wanted to work full-time, as many days a week as they had available, she’d given me the phone. For emergencies, she’d said. And to let me know you’re safe. She hadn’t even let me give Monica and Meredith my phone number, back when we were friends, because she didn’t want them running up my texts.

  My phone buzzed again.

  good. see you in time for dinner. stay inside. xoxo

  I closed it and stuck it into the pocket of my shorts. That was the one good thing about that phone—it was nice and small.

  I left my backpack where it was on the doormat and went right back outside, making sure I’d locked the door behind me, my silver fold-up scooter tucked under my arm. I turned my brain off so that it couldn’t think about Mama’s instructions to stay inside, or how panicky she’d be if she knew what I was actually doing. Mama, who had stayed with me at the bus stop that morning until the bus came, even though I was eleven and not six. Mama, who checked the locks on the doors three times when we went to bed and never let me open the windows in case I forgot to lock them again.

  Mama, who’d always been a little anxious before Daddy died, but lived in a constant state of t
errified these days.

  I unfolded my scooter when I got down the wrought-iron stairs of our apartment complex, and hopped on. I didn’t worry about scootering through the probably-not-so-safe parts of town by myself, the way I knew Mama would’ve. I was good at being invisible—I knew how to stay small, so that eyes would slip right past me like I wasn’t there at all. If I concentrated hard enough, if I closed my eyes and imagined that I had Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak, I was pretty sure I could make myself fade away into the world around me so that my skin took on the look of grass or brick or cinder block. So that nobody looked over and saw Annie Lee Fitzgerald at all.

  Invisible people couldn’t be seen, and people who couldn’t be seen couldn’t be hurt. My heart had cracked right down the middle the day that Daddy died, and then cracked all over again when me and Monica and Meredith drifted apart and stopped talking.

  I couldn’t take any more cracking.

  Durham was a big city, one that sprawled out over so many miles that it felt like two or three cities all joined up together. There was a little bit of everything in Durham—shining shopping malls surrounded by new subdivisions where every house had the same floor plan, endless suburbs that stretched out as far as the eye could see, towering glass buildings that glittered in the sun.

  And then there was where we lived, Old North Durham, where everything was either old and falling-down or old and fixed up to be trendy. Where Mama and I lived was definitely the first kind of old. The sidewalk I rode down, the one that ran along our road, was broken up and lined with weeds and sagging Victorians wrapped around with chain-link fences. It only took a minute of riding for the houses to disappear and give way to squat auto shops and churches with weather-stained signs and bars on their windows. I rode along our street until it widened and then widened again, and I reached the part of town with cute little coffee shops and imposing office buildings and stores where rich hipsters went to buy groceries.

  I stopped when I got to Brightleaf Square. Brightleaf was a mall, but not the kind shoved into the middle of a parking garage and filled with Sears stores and smoothie shops. It was built into a pair of old redbrick buildings with a fancy courtyard between them. Once, when Daddy and I had come here for ice cream, he’d explained where the buildings came from and how they’d been around longer than even Gramps Fitzgerald had been alive.

  A long time ago, before there were regular roads or anything like that in Durham, the whole city was ruled by people who grew tobacco and made cigarettes, Daddy had said, dragging his spoon through his rocky road and licking it off. The whole ice cream store smelled like cream and sugar, which meant it was one of Daddy’s favorite places, because he loved anything sweet. You know. Before D.A.R.E. or anything like that. Before doctors knew that smoking caused cancer. Anyway, all these old buildings around town—they were tobacco warehouses.

  He’d paused then, looking at me with an excited gleam in his eyes, what I always thought of as his Teaching Face. If you try hard enough, Al, I swear that when you’re wandering around this mall, underneath the high wooden ceilings and past the big tree-trunk beams and through the golden light falling from the window glass, you’ll be able to catch a glimpse of those olden-day tobacco workers hurrying back and forth to the sound of horses’ hooves thumping on the dirt roads outside.

  Now, I hurried past the ice cream shop so I couldn’t smell that cream-and-sugar smell, trying to close my heart to all those memories of Daddy that hurt like needles. I stopped a few minutes in front of a shop with curling golden writing on the window that said QUEENIE’S CUTS in big letters and Queenie Banks, Proprietor in smaller ones. Queenie was inside with one of her employees and a couple of customers, cutting a blond woman’s hair with fingers that dipped and dived like jumping fish. It was hard to miss Queenie—she looked the way I imagined a goddess must look, big and beautiful, with deep brown skin and purple-streaked black hair done up in braids.

  Queenie was the opposite of the person I’d turned myself into. I didn’t think there was a magic cloak in the world that could turn Queenie invisible, and not just because she was what older ladies referred to as “plus-size.” You couldn’t help seeing Queenie, because even watching through the glass of her shop window, love rolled off her in waves. It was there in the way she smiled at her customers, in the way she talked to them in a loud, joyful voice when they were excited and a quiet, comforting one when they looked sad. It was there in the way she hugged them as they left, like they were her best friends.

  I touched the ends of my own hair. I’d never had a haircut in a salon like Queenie’s; Mama had always cut it in our kitchen, draping me with a purple plastic cape and cutting with slow, careful strokes. Her haircuts looked good, though—she could do cool layering and things like you might see on the cover of Seventeen, even if it took her a long time to finish.

  Sometimes, when she was done cutting and stood back to look at her work, she’d say, You know, Annie Lee, way back before I married your daddy, I always used to think I’d like to go to beauty school.

  Why didn’t you? I’d asked her once, grumpy at hearing that same story over and over again. Why don’t you just go now?

  Mama had shrugged. I met your daddy, honey, and then you came along and kept me busy. And besides, Daddy’s teaching salary is never going to be good enough for me to stop working part-time for Mary’s Maids. I just don’t have the time or the energy or the money to do both.

  Would Mama have been like Queenie if she’d gone to beauty school the way she’d meant to? I couldn’t imagine her laughing and grinning, the way Queenie did with her customers—Daddy had always been the laughing one in our house, while Mama was quiet and serious. But still, if I squinted hard enough, it was like I could almost see her through the glass there, a black apron tied around her waist.

  3.

  It was while I was watching Queenie that the music began.

  It was quiet at first, piano notes floating to me in wisps and whispers that made the hair stand up on my arms. I hadn’t heard the sound of a piano in months. After Daddy died, Mama had sold the little upright piano tucked into our living room, along with our house and nearly all the other furniture we’d owned.

  When I’d protested that she couldn’t sell the piano, Mama had scowled. You made the choice not to care about the piano a year ago, Annie Lee, she’d said. When was the last time you even touched it?

  The music got louder and stronger, until it had wrapped its fingers all the way around me, and without even knowing what I was doing, I’d turned and was following the sound.

  I followed it all the way to a shining grand piano, set up in the middle of an atrium near the building’s front entrance. At first I thought that there was a skylight, letting in sunlight to pool and dance in the air above it, but then I realized that it was the opposite—the light was rising up off the keyboard, swirling with gold and silver and flecks of other colors, too, like the music coming from that piano was so powerful it couldn’t help but burst out of the keys in more ways than one.

  I stood still in the shadow of a pillar, just watching and watching, my eyes and ears and every part of me swallowing that music like water.

  Music had been one of Daddy’s things. That was what Mama called Daddy’s hobbies, usually in an exasperated voice when she’d tripped over a pile of sheet music or found the kitchen table covered in playing cards and books of magic tricks. Fitz, you’ve got way too many things. Wouldn’t it be better to just take the time to be really good at one thing?

  Daddy always laughed and said that there were too many exciting things to learn in the world to confine himself to just one. Still, music had been a part of him in a way the others hadn’t—like it was written into his DNA as much as his red hair or the light-brown eyes we shared, eyes Daddy always said were the color of the Eno River after a flood. And piano had been his favorite. Annie Lee, there’s only one instrument that can switch in a heartbeat from Bach to John Denver and make them both sound amazing. Only o
ne instrument that can rival a whole orchestra, all by itself.

  He could play a little, and loved to plunk around on our piano, but he’d quit taking lessons when he was a kid and never had the time or money to start up again as a grown-up. It was one of the reasons he’d been so upset when I gave it up last year.

  Now, listening to the notes echoing around the wooden rafters, watching the golden lights dancing in the air like music made visible, I shivered. Daddy had never been able to play as well as the man who was hunched over the keyboard, hands moving up and down so fast I could hardly follow them. Still, it was like Daddy was all around me, like if I closed my eyes I could feel his arms pull me close and hear him sing his favorite song, the one he’d named me for—“Annie’s Song.” Sometimes, when he was in an especially good mood, he’d called me his mountain springtime or his desert storm, after that song.

  Part of me, the part that had buried the first-day-of-school donuts in the trash this morning and eaten a Pop-Tart that tasted like dust instead, wanted to run away from anything that felt so much like Daddy, anything that sent the sharp pain of missing him into my heart.

  But the music, the lights, held me there.

  I’d seen things that couldn’t be explained before, of course. There was no way to wake up every morning to stubble in the bathroom sink when nobody had been in there all night and not think magic every now and again. But that was a sad kind of magic, while this—this was pure happiness, dancing there above those piano keys.

  Sometimes the man played fast and thundery, and then the light above him sparked and spun and turned blue and purple and deep sea-green. But other times he played gentle, so quiet and still that the notes reached right inside me and made me feel calmer than I had in months, and the colors faded and became pure and simple and sweet as the end of a summer’s day.

  I lost track of how time was moving, standing there watching and listening, the seconds stretched out so thin I could almost see light through them. When the pianist finally stopped, the whole high-ceilinged building felt hushed, like it wished he’d keep on playing forever.